just when you think

just when you think you have someone new, and you won't be lonely anymore, suddenly you have more than you want and you're scared until you give in and become vulnerable. it goes only downhill from here. it's like men can smell it, they are chasing after the scent until they finally catch a whiff and then they're off the trail and off into the woods. meanwhile, you have already charted and graphed the slope over your next few months of life. somehow they know this. one minute your pheromones are deadly poison infecting the male species with this carnal desire for you and only you no matter what the cost. as soon as you give the okay, they turn into skunk spray. things waver and then tumble down a rickety set of awkward stairs. and you have to start all over. if anything, loving someone new only teaches you that there is one more person that you tried and failed with, so the right one is probably closer. or, that you are just all in love with your ex again. he might be the right one but since he'll never know it, there's no point. so, basically, life is hopeless til the next spark and the campfire begins again. and even if it's just for a cozy night, when the firelight dies at dawn it was still worth it.

[september 6 2004]

forgive me for this...

forgive me for this, but love is like smoking. a dirty vile habit that is a bitch to kick. just when you decide to quit, that's when you want to hang on the most. the last cigarette is never the last cigarette, and there is never one last day you're in love with someone. some days you don't even think about smoking. others, you feel like half a pack just won't cut it. just like the days you might forget completely about your ex, and there are others you're plagued by billboards of his image (or the Marlboro man) on every building and every other song or phrase has to do with a memory you shared. there are days when you feel like there couldn't be any more better possibilities for you, and there are others where you swear you've lost the one. there are days you want to quit, and days you know you will always be trying, and days you just want what you love. at least you know that a pack of camel lights can be purchased for $4.68 at the nearest gas station. the love of your life isn't as easy to pick back up.

[september 4 2004]

communal communications

there is something odd about community. I will speak primarily of the bubble we know as the Gordon college community. I did tell my roommate the other day that I think living with someone is the most intimate relationship you can have. you have to resolve issues and routines and negotiate space in a way different from anyone else. these is also something oddly intimate about living at Gordon. Things like sympathetic looks from under umbrellas or just hoods in the rain, or whispering about half.com to strangers (in the best possible way you can be a stranger to someone at a school this small) in the bookstore. you hear the same complaints in the computer lab or the lines in lane, and you smile because you know, and when you are a senior you know it will all be ok.

[september 3 2004]

pocket collectibles

One thing that kills me is the things that people have on their person at any given moment. when I leave the house I love to see what crazy things I just might have grabbed, or when I am coming home what I have collected from various stores, friends, and the backseat of my car. For instance this morning I glance in my bag and realize I have e.e. cummings's collected poetry, a journal, a razor, tampons, a children's book, $430 in cash and a cup of coffee. Never more ready to face the already half-gone day. Then I thought back to last night's armful: work clothes, an apron, wine opener, cigarettes, shoes, a half-finished crossword, lots of ones and a rack of beads with a picture of a hula-girl painted on them that I got to take home from the ladies room of the restaurant. Go figure. I always have to wonder what other people have got tucked away in their purses and pockets. chapstick? socks? what cds? books? drugs? toiletries? I'll bet it would be a fabulous way to get to know people without having to talk to them. Just start opening up their carrying cases and the fun is yours.

[september 1 2004]